Sunday August 16, 2015
6:30 am
The day is finally here. Why am I not more excited? I want to feel exhilarated! And ecstatic!!! But instead I feel kind of sad and heavy. Oh, this must be that “fear” thing I hear others speak of!
I miss Capone already and I’m worried about him. Dropping him off at Camp Four Paws (aka: “Puppy Club-Med” because I could have traveled to Europe for a week on what I’m paying to board him there) was hard. He didn’t want to go with them and I could hear him barking and crying as I drove away. And even though I know he’ll be getting nature hikes, regular exercise, lots of loving, and treats, it breaks my heart to leave him for 30 days. He probably thinks I abandoned him. What if something happens to him while I’m gone? What if he’s not here when I get back? He’s not getting any younger… Oh, I have to stop thinking like this. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. I’ll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.
I’ve had so many emotions welling up the past few days. I had no idea how hard this would be. I’ve even had a fleeting thought of bailing. Just quitting before I even start. I could just stay home and have a relaxing vacation here. And then my inner dialogue kicks in: Stay home and do what? Watch TV? You’d be bored in an hour and you’d hate yourself forever for quitting. And the resolve comes back: If I’m this scared, this must be a really big fucking deal! There is no way I’m quitting. Just breathe and keep moving forward.
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10 pm or so at the Dow Villa Motel in Lone Pine
What a day! After my 3 1/2 hour drive to Yosemite, I discovered that Hwy 120 is closed at 395 because of a fire (another fire, half of California is in flames- stupid drought!). So much for my plans to hitchhike or take a bus to Lone Pine! I had to drive another 6 hours via Bakersfield and Visalia to get to Lone Pine. I didn’t get here until about 9:30 pm. I’m exhausted. But now I have my car so I can go pick up my permit in the morning and drive myself to the trail-head and worry about getting back down here next month after my hike. The good news is, there’s nothing like a little challenge to get me out of a funk and out of my head. With all the challenges today I forgot all about my anxiety and fear. Whatever the trail has in store for me – bring it. I got this!
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